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| 11:03pm 28/10/2007 |
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So.. it was my 21st bday on the 14th. Yeah
I can legally enter contests and giveaways now, sweet.
I am a senior at UNH.
I have the best boyfriend for more than two years.
I am the mama of two wonderful ferrets Walter and Fred.
We are the happiest family. |
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| Don't talk to me |
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| 03:15pm 11/05/2006 |
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I hate being bored
Mmm
I want a puppy
I hate effing sluts.........
HAte hate hate
Eff. you. |
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| Sing without a reason to never fall in love, to never fall in love again |
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| 02:55am 21/12/2005 |
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mood:  tired music: Lostprophets- Last train home
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Soooooo many songs have to deal with the L word.
This is why it takes me forever to find an appropriate away message, as they are all song lyrics.
I don't love anyone, so why should my away message reflect untrue emotions?
However, upon further inspection I realized that almost all of the ones I do have about love are using it in a negative respect.
For instance:
And I can't see the point of patient love when everyone just wants to get fucked
And I have no faith but it's all I want to be loved
And I've made up my mind, I'd be better off alone, love is just a waste of time
Cause every day's the same and she's got no one to love
His hair dances in the wind and he's wondering what love is and why it has to end
I guess I'm giving up on love cause it really kinda sucks
I quit pretending you were in love with me
I want a lover I don't have to love
I want to be where love is real
Lately I've been wishing I had one desire, something that would make me never want another
Love has torn us apart
Love is another word for regret
Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard and live for the moment now
love is just another word for pain
Love is the slowest form of suicide
Love's an excuse to get hurt
Remember when I said I love you, well forget it I take it back, I was just a stupid kid back then, I take back every word that I said
Stop falling in love with everything that lets you down
We were all in love and we all got hurt
... moral of the story:
I'm still and will always be uncapable of being loved. I don't mind, at least now i'm not naive enough to believe otherwise. I still care about him, more than I should, but I won't be lured into an emotionally abusive situations and swear to god: We'll Never have what we did have and could have had, ever again. The opportuities and time for that have been long past gone.
I've been hurt real bad in the l-word department. and that's not something I miss. Just cause one person in my life undeservingly abused the privilege doesn't automatically mean eternal unhappiness in my relationship department.
I'm so happy; my boyfriend of like a bunch of months-since summer- makes me very happy. I don't love him but he's wonderful.
Now Christmas break is here and it's going to be sooo different from last year.
I REFUSE to return to that situation. I promised I'd wait but I've become distracted and disinterested. I will be a priority, not an option or resort.
Don't kiss me unless you mean it and don't ever say you love me because it's a lie. |
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| 11:25pm 12/11/2005 |
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but You knwo, I have a boyfrend and I care for him very much. so excuse teh last comment oh gosh hteis sucks |
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| There on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone |
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| 11:15pm 12/11/2005 |
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mood:  tipsy music: Death Cab for Cutie- Your heart is an empty room
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So.. vacancy signs eh?
I am so drunk, excuse me this is taking me ages it feels like to tpye corectly.
I love you. Surpising;y. I can't stand being without you.
Please recognize this. Come back, babe. Ugh this sucks.
Muah. To you, who will prolly never read this.
But
I miss you
Some stupid girlfriend.
I will make you happy, I promise. |
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| Once something dies you can't make it live |
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| 05:53pm 27/10/2005 |
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mood:  irritated music: Bright Eyes- Take it easy (love nothing)
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They say that a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
I think this is true.
Unless it involves the words: I, love, or you.
In which case he prolly just wants some.
And at this opportunity I will make it a point to reiterate that I. Do. Not. Believe. In. Love.
Why, you ask?
Ask YOUrself.
A million times over you've disproven this so called claim.
When given an opportunity to prove it, do it.
Or else I'll never believe you.
I was here. Alone.
Without you. |
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| In the shape of things to come too much poison come undone |
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| 03:52pm 17/10/2005 |
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mood:  conflicted music: Placebo- Every me every you
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Well..
So..
The 14th was my birthday.
I am now 19 years old.
I feel 12.
But I am old enough to make up my own mind.
Therefore, I should.
But I can't.
Torn is what I am.
When satisfied is what I should be.
Oh, being a girlfriend is tough sometimes.
Even when he has no idea. |
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| I always come back to you |
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| 02:09am 05/10/2005 |
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mood:  conflicted music: Bouncing Souls- Hopeless romantic
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I'm going to change my layout soon, I will. I love playing with html, I just never get around to do it. I'm a busy little bee this semester. I got a hundred on my first exam! Whoo! I also discovered that the key to concentration is magical. Ahhh..
I'm going home this weekend, so's Matt, Tonya, Kyle, Steph, etc. It should be fun. I am celebrating my birthday a week early since my parents won't be in the state on my birthday due to a moose hunting trip.
I feel. Different. Wrong? No. Just.. Different. Not empty, hollow perhaps? No, just unsettled. I find myself constantly revisiting memories, good ones. Good memories that make me sad and lonely. Even though I'm happy and satisfied. I can't explain how I don't want to digress.
I have this habit in which I don't ever say what I'm fully thinking but if you were to know me well you would understand exactly what I mean. But I don't know who may read this, and I don't want people to know what I'm thinking anymore than I want to know what people are thinking. Except maybe in a few situations I'd like to know, but I never will.
I'm not talking in circles and I'm not crazy. I'm not a slut, I'm not a cunt, I don't hate anyone and I don't love anyone. I have a conceptual theory about love. It's too bad it's a figment of everyone's effing imagination, huh.
I was sitting on a bench, yeah, that one. It has a name engraved into it which is actually quite coincidental. And I cried, but I wasn't sad. I was just thinking about all of the other times I've sat on that sad bench. I hate that it's over and gone, I hate that I think about anything other than what I've been dealt. I am selfish and I really ought not take advantage of things that could easily slip away.
This is hard. Now that I think about it, I don't think one person knows what I'm ever talking about because I don't tell anyone anything anymore. I used to. Until I stopped understanding myself. People can't very well understand how you feel about a situation if you aren't willing to face your internal conflicts yourself.
It's because I'm indecisive. It's because I'm too afraid of hurting anyone. Or of being hurt.
Thus, I'm untouchable. Invulnerable. Unattainable. To everyone.
Almost everyone.
It's effed up. |
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| Each feature improved, each movement refined, and eyes like a showroom |
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| 08:47am 21/09/2005 |
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mood:  studious music: Bright Eyes- Take it easy (love nothing)
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So the world is steady and I don't like where it's going. I need to pick a major, I'm getting so old so quickly, and the world won't wait for me. How am I suppose to know what I want to do to make money for the rest of my life when I am 18 years old? I don't know how everyone's so sure. All I know is what I don't want to be doing for the rest of my life, but those aren't careers. I want to get married to someone who loves me and have a white fence in the front yard. I want to be happy. It's crazy that at any moment, every moment, people are dealing with problems that suck. Horoscopes are fake, Barnum statements are ones that can apply to nearly everyone's life. I have pretty jewelry on. They are stars. Too bad more people can't see them. Okay I have to go to women studies class now. My friend Doug is in that class. He says he feels personally attacked because he is a male and feels oppressed. I miss Ed. Only seeing people on the weekends is a real drag. Only 2.85 more years! |
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| To see you when I wake up is a gift I didn't think could be real |
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| 06:42pm 08/09/2005 |
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mood:  sick music: Incubus- I miss you
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I threw up 13 times this morning. I didn't have to go to class! Yay! I'm also never drinking rum and coke again. I don't know where my roommates are. I just woke up and they're not here and neither is their stuff. I really like them. We have a very nice place. I'm going to UNH tomorrow but Tdawg won't be there and I miss her and love her alot. It was her birthday and I want to get her something nice but I suck at shopping for people. Tomorrow I get to see Ed again. It was so amazing when he spent last weekend here. He really is such a nice guy. And he has freckles, aww. I'm so glad I'm not projectile vomiting anymore. That sucked. |
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| Can you feel it? It takes your breath away |
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| 11:49pm 24/08/2005 |
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mood:  peaceful music: Underoath- Reinventing your exit
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Summer's almost ovvvvver.
He lives in Tuftenboro/Ossipee.
What am I going to do.
I thought I wanted nothing but now I'm not so sure.
I like where it's going at least.
I'll go with it.
And continue to be a bad influence to my little brother.
Hehe
Oh and once a year and a half ago I was told by my grandparents that he adored me. Adoration is something that doesn't count if it's over yourself. Maybe if I wasn't just kind of cute I would have met your standards you superficial ass. |
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| I'm far from lonely and it's all that I've got |
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| 02:12am 18/08/2005 |
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mood:  impressed music: The Used- All that I've got
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I found one without even looking!
This is nice.
It's too bad summer's almost over.
It's sad when you question every nice effort because you're so used to being treated like crap.
Text messages are cute.
This boy is nice.
And good at bowling.
It's good.
Good. |
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| Once something dies you can't make it live |
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| 10:04am 10/08/2005 |
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mood:  frustrated music: Bright Eyes- Take it easy (love nothing)
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I am not wasting one more ounce of emotion or time on ex boyfriends. There's a reason we broke up. I need to stop repeatedly being taken advantage of. This sucks. I need a new boy. These are his qualifications: He must be skinny, sincere, and more innocent than me. He must not have a record of lying, cheating, or using girls. He must not hit on every girl he meets. He must be an employed car owner pursuing a career. If you don't meet the qualifications you need not apply. Oh and being good in bed is a plus. |
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| I don't miss you but I miss who you used to be |
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| 10:13am 07/08/2005 |
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mood:  discontent music: Across Five Aprils- Car wrecks and plane crashes
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So..
I don't care if anyone hates me, I know alot of people do and that's cool. But if you hate me, have an effing reason and remain consistent. "Liz I'm sorry"... 5 minutes later... "You are a cunt". Yeah, that is cool. Grow up.
It's too bad I didn't get arrested because then I would still be friends with the biggest lamehead I know. Sorry you took the blame on your own. Hopefully soon you'll realize that it is you you are mad at, not me. I didn't do an effing thing.
Take it out on me, do it. Because every insult I have heard from you I don't forget. Even if you wanted to be friends now I wouldn't. You're an immature spoiled brat and you're really not worth it.
So I've been thinking alot lately.
I know what I want.
I'm incapable of achieving it though.
It's funny that my wish on 11:11 has been the same since my senior year in high school.
It'll prolly always be the same thing.
Because I'll never be -----.
I'll never have ------.
I'll always be not quite good enough for whatever part I'm trying to fulfill.
But if I did get my wish, I prolly won't be any happier. Obviously for a little I will be but I'll have to come to the realization that life is not a fairy tale, nothing will ever be perfect, there is no such thing as love, and people change and die.
What I want now may be the same exact wish as 2 years ago, but I've changed since then and so has everyone else. I have a feeling that I've convinced myself otherwise and if things actually happened as I wish, the outcome just wouldn't quite be the same as it would have been 2 years ago, see?
This is how it's sposed to happen for the most part: I care about someone and that person cares about me. Period. It's not difficult, but it's obviously too much to ask.
I think if I had one consistent person who cared about me always through eveerything and I had always been there for that person too, I'd be a much better person and I'd have a reason to smile.
I'm losing alot of weight. Nothing ever looks appetizing anymore. My boobs are getting smaller. You can see my ribs, it's gross. I'm going to go eat. |
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| So won't you kill me so I die happy |
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| 12:29am 05/08/2005 |
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mood:  stressed music: Dashboard Confessional- Hands down
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I almost got arrested tonight.
I'm bored so...
Yeah.
(x) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
(x) smoked anything else
(x) made out with a member of the same sex
(x) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
(/) been in love
(X) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(X) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(x) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
(x) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(X) skipped school
(x) slept with a co-worker
( ) seen someone die
( ) had a crush on one of your MYSPACE friends
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(X) been on a plane
( ) thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
( ) met someone from MYSPACE in person
( ) been moshing at a concert
( ) been in an abusive relationship
( ) taken painkillers
(X) love someone or miss someone right now
(X) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(X) made a snow angel
(X) flown a kite
(X) built a sand castle
(X) gone puddle jumping
(X) played dress up
(X) jumped into a pile of leaves
(X) gone sledding
(X) cheated while playing a game
(X) been lonely
( ) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
(X) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(X) been tickled
( ) been robbed
( ) robbed someone
(X) been misunderstood
(X) pet a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest
(x) run a red light
( ) been suspended from school
( ) had detention
(x) been in a car accident
( ) Felt like an outcast
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
( ) danced in the moonlight
( ) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
(x) pole danced
(X) questioned your heart
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(X) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(X) swam in the ocean
(X) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(X) played cops and robbers
(X) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
( ) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(X) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
( ) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) kissed in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(X) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
(x) crashed at a party
( ) Have Traveled more than 5 days with a car full of People
(X) gone rollerskating
(X) had a wish come true
(x) worn pearls
(x) jumped off a bridge
( ) screamed penis in class
( ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
( ) sang in the shower
(x) have a little black dress
(x) fucked in a park
(x) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(X) worn the opposite sexes clothes
(x) been a cheerleader
(X) sat on a roof top
( ) had sex at a church
(X) screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didn't take a shower for a week
(X) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(X) climbed a tree
(x)had a tree house
(x) are scared to watch acary movies alone.
( ) believe in ghosts
(x) have more then 15 pairs of shoes
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
( ) played ding-dong-ditch
(X ) played chicken fight
(X) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
( ) broken a bone
(X) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
(x) made porn
(x) caught a butterfly
(X) laughed so hard you cried
( ) cried so hard you laughed
(x) mooned/flashed someone
(X) had someone moon/flash you
(X) cheated on a test
(X) forgotten someone's name
(X) slept naked
(x) French braided someones hair
(X) gone skinny dippin in a pool
(x) been kicked out of your house |
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| It's always you in my big dreams |
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| 11:48pm 02/08/2005 |
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mood:  relaxed music: Something Corporate- Konstantine
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Okay, I know what I want to happen.
It shouldn't, but I want it to.
There's one month left before I'm hauled back.
The time is diminishing faster than it should be.
You prolly don't care but,
I want that back,
I want this gone,
I want to pick that back up,
I want to stop wasting ...
It'll never happen though so I'll forget it.
You know what I want.
It's up to your discretion.
It's weird that I'm able to go back.
Or that I'm unable to move on. |
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| You always find a way to keep me right here waiting |
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| 01:43am 01/08/2005 |
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mood: impressed music: Staind- Right here
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I know I’ve been mistaken
But just give me a break
And see the changes that I’ve made
I’ve got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all
And throw them in my face
But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
If you chose to walk away
I’d still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep you right here waiting
I hope you’re not intending
To be so condescending
It’s as much as I can take
And you’re so independent
You just refuse to bend
So I keep bending till I break
But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
If you chose to walk away
I’d still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep you right here waiting
I’ve made a commitment
I’m willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you
Can’t you just forgive me
I don’t want to relive all the mistakes
I’ve made along the way
But I always find a way
To keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say
To keep you right here waiting
But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
We always find the words to say
To keep me right here waiting
If I chose to walk away
Would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
To keep me right here waiting |
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| Just take me there and lie to me and say it's going to be alright |
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| 09:38pm 28/07/2005 |
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mood:  apathetic music: Bright Eyes- If winter ends
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Congratulations on succeeding at your summer goal. You did get laid, no relationship necessary.
I feel as though I'm never going to mean anything to anyone ever. And I'm right.
Congratulations on making me feel used and betrayed. I'm sorry I trusted you, I'm sorry I held promise in you.
It doesn't change the fact that I'm hurt as eff.
So congratulations, you're off the hook. |
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| You're not alone and you're not discreet, make sure I know who's taking you home |
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| 10:24am 26/07/2005 |
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mood:  distressed music: Dashboard Confessional- Screaming infidelities
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I feel so used and taken advantage of.
I won't trust boys when they say they'll never hurt me.
Cause basically that's all guys are good for.
It's cool and all, just not what I would expect.
All I really want is an apology.
Maybe even an attempt at being forgiven.
This is obviously a scale, I'm one end.
I'm not winning this comparison, and it sucks cause I thought I meant more than this. |
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supastargrrl's journal
lonely